Ask the Ankh-Morpork City Watch

Is this this “shipping” business that his lordship warned me about? Like him, I prefer to travel by coach.

I assure you that the only thing between us is a desk.

If we wanted to destroy paperwork we’d promote Sargent Colon for an hour.

And I disagree with magic not just because it can tear this universe-fabric stuff (must be pretty cheap fabric). Magic never bloody stops. It doesn’t make sense and it’s alive and it’s cunning and it bites.

-Vimes

No. I didn’t enjoy my last trip to Uberwald, and I don’t intend to take another one.

-Vimes

askthepatrician:

ask-margolotta:

askthepatrician:

ask-margolotta:

askthepatrician:

jurious:

Vetinari pic FTW! :)

Indeed, I find this portrait of myself highly favorable.

Oh my. A very highly favorable portrait indeed. Did you pose for zhis, Havelock? Or perhaps your citizens aren’t qvite as poorly disposed to you as you vish us to believe.

That, my dear, is a closely guarded secret, but one that I would disclose during an, ah, more intimate meeting. Should you be willing, of course.

Oh Havelock, I zhought you’d never ask. I zhink an ambassadorial visit is in order, unless my…political advice is reqvired a little more urgently?

You know I am a very patient man, Margolotta, no need to rush (unless you want to, of course). I shall have the usual diplomatic suite prepared for you. I could send a party to escort you as well, Vimes could use a holiday, I think. Or at least my current desk could use a holiday from repeated impact with his fists.

Really, sir? I thought I was doing more damage to your waiting room wall.

-Cmdr Vimes

(Source: erebusodora)

I’m dreading the day he asks, even if he’s still far too young when he does. Being a watchman isn’t a good life. It’s far better than it was of course, but still… The job follows you home (sometimes with daggers). It’s long hours. It’s dangerous. And once you’re a suspicious bastard, there’s not going back. That’s not worth thirty dollars an hour.

I don’t knw what I’d tell him to be honest. I think I’d let Sybil deal with him. She won’t want two of us in the watch.

—Vimes

As a rule, we don’t deal with wizards (or wizzards) and their bloody magic. They may mess with the fabric of space and time, but they don’t create the sort of crimes that lead to paperwork.

—Vimes

Sir, I advise against calling him that (I will assume you are a sir from your language). That is, unless you wish to have him try to unscrew your head. UU’s Librarian is an orangutan, not the m-word, as you put it. The Librarian is a special constable. He was sworn in as a temporary measure a long time ago, and never was willing to give back his badge. He’s helped us a number of times, and the ma- I mean ape is a credit to the team.

-Captain Angua

So this is the iconograph. Oh, whoops, looks like it’s posted here too.

—Vimes

askpstibbons:

agentsandyquinn:

askpstibbons:

agentsandyquinn:

askpstibbons:

askthepatrician:

agentsandyquinn:

askpstibbons:

askthepatrician:

askpstibbons:

askrincewind:

askpstibbons:

askrincewind:

askpstibbons:

The studentbody of the UU is proud to present you with another of the infamous iconographs from last Hogswatch.

THIS IS NOT ME

….

….

Do the city’s laws concerning inhumation apply to the campus?

NO

IT’S NOT ME

I have absolutely no memory of this.

Interesting. However, this is nowhere near the level of compromising the images in my posession are.

…..

*silent scream*

GIMME. 

All in due time. Besides, what is your interest in this, citizen?

What do you mean by that?!

KISSING.

…

Wait…this…is all some sort of prank isn’t it? There are no worse photos than that and even that one is, very likely, fake.

Right?

K-I-S-S-I - 

Wait, I could draw you a diagram if that makes you feel more comfortable? 

Diagrams…yes…diagrams are good….